Joined in 2023 
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The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem...Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people. There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself. Incredible book. It has helped me so much to consider how to navigate situations at work, at home and in social situations. I highly recommend it, especially if you don't especially love confrontations, like myself. My dad recommended I read this book when I was in the middle of a difficult friendship. I felt put upon and walked over and didn't know how to change the expectations of this overly needy person in my life. I had assumed that the only option was to love her "as Christ would" and allow her to use my time, resources and patience as she needed. I had also assumed that due to my duty to love her as Christ would, I needed to "turn the other cheek" when she mistreated me or lost her temper, which was happening often. Through reading this, I was able to identify several things that were unhealthy and was given ideas on how to change the relationship while still being loving and consistent.
Perhaps my biggest struggle is the authors' tendency to blame absolutely every poor character trait on the parents of the unpleasant person. No one ever made a bad decision for themselves, it seems, but everything bad about you is your parents' fault. Only you can fix it, of course, but they're the ones that made you this way--they didn't teach you good boundaries, or they tried to control you with guilt or anger, or they only looked out for themselves and did not respect your needs or boundaries, or... the list goes on. As a child myself, I can recall times that I made my own bad decisions, and I cannot trace my current problems to my parents. They weren't perfect, of course, but they aren't to blame for all of my hardships. As a parent myself, I find it hard to believe that every bad decision my son makes will rest on my head when judgment day comes--it's just not a reasoned position to take here. The book contains a very large number of what I call "pastor stories." Probably, these vignettes come from actual examples in the authors' private practice, with the names and details changed to protect patient confidentiality... but they come across as those stories used by pastors to prove a point. You know the ones--anecdotes about people who only have first names, with no clear evidence to suggest that they are factual, but they perfectly (and conveniently) encapsulate the message that the pastor is trying to get across. I don't trust stories like these, and while the clinical experience of the authors lends a little credence to them, I'm still not a fan. The author says that people put up with a lot to be in a relationship because our need for relationships is one of our biggest needs. I've been taking a class this summer on boundaries, based on the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. According to Wikipedia, "Personal Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won't do, what you like and don't like...how close someone can get to you."if you don't want to be volunteered for your church's building program by fund raising with a cookie drive, don't be 'that person' who always says 'yes'. This is from the book's description: "Often Christians focus so on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limitations. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend offer biblically based insights into how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves." Independently of one’s religious creed and fully respecting Cloud’s writing, knowledge, and beliefs, I always wish for more data, more psychology, and fewer scripture references. PROS What can I do when someone wants more of my time, love, energy, or money than I’m comfortable giving? This is an award-winning book that teaches you how to set reasonable boundaries. However, I should warn you that it has a religious undertone. 2. Boundaries workbook, by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Establishing healthy boundaries has created an internal radar system that goes into alert when my boundaries aren't respected. If my "no" isn't respected the first time I say it, I start to feel anxious. If I have to say "no" a second time, I start to feel angry at the person for not listening. I get that it is important to protect yourself, to stand up, to say "this is not good for me". But it is also important to preserve your relationship with your spouse and your children and "my way or the highway" is not going to cut it.
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People who grew up in these families still feel guilty for setting up boundaries as adults. Boundaries Attract High-Quality People When someone responds w/anger or irritation that I won't just do what they want or I just won't say "yes" to their request or makes a comment along the lines that my boundaries are too rigid, I now respond with "The boundaries I've established are mine, the issues you have with my boundaries are yours. Your issues are not mine to solve & my boundaries aren't yours to establish." We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of "self control" (Gal. 5:23). A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay he responsibility for them on someone else.... We need to realize that we are in control of our choices....
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